Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
