wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
