Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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