You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
