She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
