dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
