i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
