My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
