you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Couch. On fire.
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