Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
