Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
