I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
