If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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