My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
