you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
