...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
