You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
