I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize