Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
