Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I still have a little drunk in my system
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
