Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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