My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
