Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
