so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
