just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
