Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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