saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
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