do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
