Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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