I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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