If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize