Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
