In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
