So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
