If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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