somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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