bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
