I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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