When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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