Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
