are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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