you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
