I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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