Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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