I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
