I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just got carded by a ten year old.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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