Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
