i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize