i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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