you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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