It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
