i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
