I love black thongs
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
