Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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