this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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