Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sober January is a disaster.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
