I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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