I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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