I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize