Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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