In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
