I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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