oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
